What Boundaries Really Are: Tools for Understanding, Not Mechanisms of Control

What Boundaries Really Are: Tools for Autonomy, Not Mechanisms of Control

The recent story about Jonah Hill’s texts to an ex-girlfriend sure has set off an internet shit-storm.  And as sad and exhausted as the story makes me feel, I recognize that it has brought to light the fact that, despite the efforts of a million pop-psychology memes, many people really do not have a good handle on the concept of boundaries in relationships, and as a result this concept is sometimes weaponized and turned into a mechanism for control. And I hope it’s clear, I am firmly on the side of believing that control is not a healthy tool to use in relationships between adults.

So okay, we don’t want to be jerks to our partners! But still, there is understandable confusion about what makes something a boundary, vs. an ultimatum or a rule. So to start things off, here are some (admittedly simplistic, context-free) definitions—we’ll get to more nuance in a moment!

A rule designates something that is or is not allowed, and is meant to control another person’s behavior. Note that “breaking a rule” is often followed by some form of punishment.

An ultimatum is a basically a rule with more urgency and control—and usually comes in the form of “if you do this, I will break up with you” or something similar.

Finally, a boundary is an expression of one’s own feelings and limits, sometimes but not always followed by action.

Does the distinction feel confusing to you? You are far from alone! To explain a bit further, I really appreciate these helpful thoughts from knotcounseling.com:

·        The intention behind a boundary is to state your feelings. The intention behind an ultimatum is to get your way.

·        Boundaries promote conversation. Ultimatums shut down the conversation.

·        Boundaries build the ‘know, like and trust’ factor with your partner. Ultimatums build resentment.”

As demonstrated by these statements, we know we are in the territory of healthy expressions of boundaries by the feelings present, rather than by the words used. Listen, to create a healthy relationship, you’ve gotta have at least as much respect for your partner’s intelligence as you do for your own needs and desires. And people can feel it when they’re being controlled.

So, now that we know the difference between rules/ultimatums and boundaries, why would we ever behave in controlling ways? There are probably as many reasons as there are humans on this earth, but my hunch is that most of them boil down to this simple fact: sharing our feelings can be scary, even (especially?) with those we’re closest to.

 Many people would rather control someone else rather than make themselves vulnerable. And wow, do I have compassion for that: I can still feel in my belly the hangover from times when I shared my feelings with someone, only to discover that the other person just didn’t care that much, or at least not enough to change their behavior. What a devastating moment that can be!

Still, at the end of the day, we all have to ask ourselves who we want to be, and how we want to show up for the people we love. Personally, I’d rather do the scary thing than the controlling thing.

And what to do if someone is trying to use a “boundary” as a means of control? Invite *them* to do the scary thing. You might try asking, “it seems like this is bringing up some challenging feelings for you. Can we talk about what’s going on and why you’re asking this of me?” I try to imagine what that might have done in Hill’s case. Maybe it would have allowed for some reflection on his own insecurity, or invited him to question his belief that it’s his right to control the way his partner represents herself online, or who she’s friends with.  I’d imagine that if he’d been able to do so, I wouldn’t even be writing this blog post.

Wishing you all happy relating this week <3