From Fear to Safety: An Exercise for Humans in Relationship
The last couple of weeks in coaching have proven to be some of my favorite yet—and not at ALL because they’ve been the breeziest or the brightest. I dunno what’s been going on in the universe in June, but a lot of us seem to have arrived in some bumpy territory: old fears revisited. New ones exposed. NIghtmares and tears, tra la la! Plus it’s so fucking hot outside! We’re bothered, babes.
But, okay. If you’re a human being who is in relationships with other human beings, this is just expected. No mud, no lotus, as the Buddhists say. And the people in my world are bringing some high-quality mud. Like, out-in-the-open mud. “I don’t know why I feel so scared but I’m gonna talk about it” mud. The kind of mud that bears fruit.
It feels like such a weird thing to admit: that even in our closest relationships, love often comes with fear mixed into it **. But of course it does—when we value something, we worry about damaging it or losing it. Yet because we have a culture which doesn’t teach us how to share those fears, we do a lot of unhelpful things: we hide our fear. We turn it into anger. We project it onto others. We drown it in wine or sex or the internet. But we don’t really talk about it, even—er, especially—with those we’re closest too.
So to encourage us all to get a little more brave and honest, I’ve been using the following prompts in my sessions. I invite you to try them, too.
Here’s the exercise: sit down across from your partner/friend/whomever it is that you’re experiencing conflict or difficulty with. If you’re feeling anxious, I’d recommend starting by closing your eyes and spending a minute or two taking slow, deep breaths. Then proceed taking turns speaking the following statements:
“The version of you that I feel most afraid of is ________” (let both people complete this before moving on)
“The version of you that I feel safest with is ________” (again, let both people complete this statement.)
In offering these statements to each other, you are writing an important chapter in your own customized relationship manual. You can take the information you’ve shared and use it to create a ritual: the next time you or the other person feels scared, anxious or insecure in your relationship, you will not only have some practice at communicating it, but you will also have some tools for moving yourselves into feeling more secure together.
I really invite you to feel like a complete dork with your loved ones and try this out! The conversations I’ve seen emerge from it have been so insightful and cool.
And hey, if you want some support with stuff like this, I’m here. Shoot me a message and we can talk about coaching. I promise it’s fun. I promise it’s challenging and growth-promoting. I promise it’s worth it.
Wishing you a happy week!
<3 Erin
**I want to clarify: if you are fearful of your partner because of physical or verbal abuse, please seek support from a qualified professional. This exercise is NOT recommended as a remedy for abusive behavior.