Conscious Conflict Toolbox: Get Intentional
"Take a comfortable seat,and begin to focus on your breath. As you begin to notice your body calming down, take a moment to set an intention for your practice."
If you've taken even a single yoga class, you've probably heard something like this at the beginning of practice. We set an intention for how we want to approach our practice, and perhaps what we hope to gain from it. Maybe it's a commitment to being in our bodies without judgement; or staying focused on our breath; or just calming our brains for an hour. Maybe we aim to leave feeling clearer, more grounded, or healthier in some way.
Can you even imagine doing the same just before an argument with someone you love?
If you're like most people, the answer is probably, "uhhh, NOPE! Never done that. Never."
Up until a couple of years ago, neither had I. And I still don't do it all the time. But, on the occasions where I have, I've found the practice of consciously navigating conflict to be admittedly scary and vulnerable and awkward-- and then truly, profoundly healing. And happily, it's never too late to learn.
Why Being Intentional Matters
Intention is that first spark that can lift you out of your oldest, most ingrained patterns around conflict, and allow you to touch down into something that feels kinder and healthier. This step is vulnerable, because it forces you to face the fact that a) over the years, you've probably learned some pretty shitty approaches to conflict, and that b) you want to do something different.
Most of us have inherited, through family and culture, some conflict styles that kind of suck. There's the very common avoidant style, where we sit on our feelings for as long as we possibly can so as to avoid confrontation. Guess what? This does not work forever! It all has to come out somehow, usually in a more explosive form than we'd like. And it usually comes with a generous side portion of self-negating habits, like drinking/shopping/media-scrolling our feelings into submission. Not fantastic, let's say, but certainly popular!
There is also just straight up anger, aggression and blaming another person for your difficult feelings--which comes with the double downer of both hiding your true, more vulnerable feelings (you've probably heard anger described as a mask for feelings like sadness or fear)--and inspiring others to look for the nearest exit.
Finally, there's the "let me prove that I'm right and you're wrong" approach. This one is tricky, because it can come through language and tones that *sound* peaceful and reasonable. "Surely once the other person listens to me calmly explain my perspective, they will acknowledge that I'm right!" And maybe--especially if you're really skilled at coercing people--they will surrender and you'll "win the argument." Sometimes this will seem to work, for years even. But here's the deal:
Healthy conflict doesn't create winners and losers. It creates mutual understanding and growth. That's the goal.
So this is where intention comes in. We've all been trained to approach conflict as a thing we want to win. But we can rebel! First by refusing to ask "how can I win?" And then, by asking "what can I learn? How can we grow?"
And to get ourselves into the best state for learning and growig, we come back to that instruction at the beginning of yoga class: make sure your body is comfortable. Focus on your breath. Set your intention. A calm body and nervous system will make this all work so much better.
If asana is the yoga of the body, then maybe healthy conflict--where there is room for both you and me, for our hopes and our fears, for growing into new territory--is the yoga of the heart. And the peace that emerges from that can be as good as a thousand savasanas.
Interested in learning more? Join me for my upcoming 4-week series, Conscious Conflict: Healing Practices for Being in Relationship (starts Aug. 10) You can also book a free initial coaching call with me. Either way, an email to erinyogaandcoaching@gmail.com is a good way to reach out!
Much love and thanks for reading,
Erin