Conscious Conflict Toolbox: Keeping Your Side of the Street Clean (Or, Understanding Karma, Boundaries and Integrity)
Many years ago, I reached out to a friend for their advice on a conflict with another person. My friend, who had been in addiction recovery for years and had the hard-earned wisdom to show for it, listened to me talk about the complex fears and frustrations the conflict was bringing up for me; after a pause, he said: “Erin, I had to learn this to stay sane when I was getting sober: all you can do is keep your side of the street clean. Your integrity is your responsibility, but you can’t control other people’s feelings.”
Simple as it sounds, this has proven to be one of the most important pieces of advice I’ve ever received. And interestingly, I find it echoed in texts as old as the Bhagavad Gita—when Arjuna, the protagonist, is distraught upon facing the most difficult and violent conflict imaginable, his guide Krishna says to him:
“You have a right to perform your duty, but you are not entitled to the fruits of action.”
It hits heavy, right? I think we all have at least a little attachment to feeling like we deserve certain rewards for good behavior (and, though we probably acknowledge it less, we may also feel that punishment is the deserved outcome for less-good behavior.) But I don’t think that’s exactly what the notion of karma is for. I think it’s for reminding us to live according to our values, with the understanding that right action is valuable for the integrity it affords us—whether we’re rewarded for it or not.
When we hear karma talked about in the west, it’s almost always used in the negative: “what an asshole. Bad karma coming his way!” And look, in the year of our lord 2023, it is absolutely understandable to crave some justice. But as we’ve seen with, ahem, a certain former president: sometimes bad behavior is given a pass, or is even rewarded. We could let that make us bitter (and that’s okay sometimes.) But if we’re to create something better, we can’t just sit back and fume. My working mantra here is: “My integrity is my responsibility, even in the face of assholes.” I dunno, it helps!
And interestingly, my understanding of “keeping my side of the street clean” has evolved over the years. I used to think (especially in my more conflict-avoidant days) that this simply meant not treating other people badly. But there’s more to it than that. The conversation between Krishna and Arjuna is not a lesson in simply being good to other people; it’s also about standing up for what is right, even when you’d rather sink into the ground and hide. “Stand up, Arjuna!” Krishna says, reminding him that avoiding his duties in life can also result in a whole lot of mess on his side of the street. And as we all probably know, a mess on our side can affect not just us, but also the people close to us. We keep our side of the street clean for them, too.
In terms of putting this into practice, I’m reminded that healthy boundaries, expressed with both firmness and compassion, are every bit as important as kind gestures. Creating a life that flows according to our values will never be a passive process—we have to be clear about what we say “yes” to, and when to say “no.” Passively allowing harm because we don’t want to build up our boundary-keeping muscles is a proven way to allow damaging patterns to take hold.
Just like any practice, your endeavors in keeping your side of the street clean will never be perfect (sorry.) We will all fuck up, all of us. Accountability and apology are important street-cleaning tools, and so is self-forgiveness.
As we continue to forge our way through the heat of August, I hope you’re finding ways to creatively engage with your own values, and to bring that into your interactions with the world.
Much love and thanks for reading,
Erin